Wednesday in therapy, Leonard had me record a description of the moment at which I feel the compulsion to ritualize, followed by my values list. My homework is to listen to it 12 times a day. The idea is that I will start building new connections to my values, so that when my anxiety spikes, my values have more of a chance of coming to the surface. I've had 15 years of a job where if I started to feel anxious, I could distract myself on the computer, and the habit is deeply ingrained. Now I have all this time at home since I lost my job, and the old critical perfectionist voice is getting loud. "You have all this time now. Why are you wasting it being compulsive?" Which then gets the OCD ramped up, because I don't want to have the thought that I am wasting time, or doing things imperfectly, and I get back on the computer to distract myself and waste more time.
Leonard's idea makes sense to me, but it almost seems to make too much sense(if that makes any sense!!) Some convoluted OCD logic, "This could work, but what if you try it and it doesn't work? And this proves you are a worthless failure. You'd better avoid doing it." I see the irony in the fact that there were many times I wanted to quit my job, because the OCD was so tied to walking into my office, feeling immediately incompetent and scared, and seeing the computer, sitting down and then wondering where the day went. Part of me hoped that if I didn't have the job, my OCD would go away. I remember starting on an SSRI, and having a bad dream that I was starting to feel better, but this meant I would have to stay at my job forever.
I suspected that quitting my job wouldn't eradicate my OCD, and that what I really needed was treatment for the OCD, before reevaluating what to do with my life. OCD isn't very sophisticated, and spent its time screaming, "You are wasting your life at this job," which sent me into a frenzy of compulsive distraction, but OCD couldn't give me any other alternative. And of course, it was the OCD that was mostly responsible for whatever wasting of my life I was doing at work. If there had been a video camera in my office, the film would've shown a woman sitting very still, moving the mouse barely perceptibly with her left hand(because she injured her right hand, and in order to keep websearching, had to switch to her left).
Today has been a lurching through various forms of perfectionism, but I listened to my recording 3 times today so far. I will give myself credit for that.
Leonard's idea makes sense to me, but it almost seems to make too much sense(if that makes any sense!!) Some convoluted OCD logic, "This could work, but what if you try it and it doesn't work? And this proves you are a worthless failure. You'd better avoid doing it." I see the irony in the fact that there were many times I wanted to quit my job, because the OCD was so tied to walking into my office, feeling immediately incompetent and scared, and seeing the computer, sitting down and then wondering where the day went. Part of me hoped that if I didn't have the job, my OCD would go away. I remember starting on an SSRI, and having a bad dream that I was starting to feel better, but this meant I would have to stay at my job forever.
I suspected that quitting my job wouldn't eradicate my OCD, and that what I really needed was treatment for the OCD, before reevaluating what to do with my life. OCD isn't very sophisticated, and spent its time screaming, "You are wasting your life at this job," which sent me into a frenzy of compulsive distraction, but OCD couldn't give me any other alternative. And of course, it was the OCD that was mostly responsible for whatever wasting of my life I was doing at work. If there had been a video camera in my office, the film would've shown a woman sitting very still, moving the mouse barely perceptibly with her left hand(because she injured her right hand, and in order to keep websearching, had to switch to her left).
Today has been a lurching through various forms of perfectionism, but I listened to my recording 3 times today so far. I will give myself credit for that.
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